Merry Christmas

OK, OK, so I know I don’t write this blog very often anymore. But things are just so… DREARY that I can’t see why anyone would want to read it. It’s not exactly joyous news that I have to impart.

The uterus is a pain in the… well anyway. I saw the consultant, who looked decidedly less optimistic this time, and he scanned me, as my period was definitely heavier after the HSG (and no I didn’t get pregnant after… not one of those “A HSG made me pregnant!” stories… Though if it had, it wouldn’t be a HSG after all…) but my endometrium had not got thicker (and why would it, really…). It was between 5 and 6mm (the husband was watching, he told me there were some measurements of 6mm). The endometrium is “deficient” at the bottom of the uterus, from about halfway down, and also on the right, which he hadn’t seen before, but was seeing with the benefit of the HSG having told him that there was scarring there. The weird sac-thing was still there. The only good news to come out of the scan was that I definitely have a triple stripe appearance to the endometrium I do have, which means it works and is reasonably healthy.

However, his face when he was scanning me, was not the face of a man who was pleased with what he saw. and I KNOW he is less optimistic now. In fact he’s starting to become pessimistic. He told us to think about surrogacy. Which is a difficult one. I’m not keen, really. I want our “own”, biological child, obviously, but I don’t know who on earth would do that for us, and I don’t know who I’d trust to do that. I also don’t want to spend years trying to find someone to be a surrogate when we could be pursuing expanding our family in other ways. The husband, however, seems kind of keen on this, which makes me a little uneasy. As if I’m the one with the physical problem, therefore I should go along with what he wants as it’s All My Fault.

(Before anyone thinks anything, if I was completely against it and told him so, he’d never make me do it, he’s not like that, but I would feel that I had to…)

The plan, for now, surprisingly is not for surgery. It’s an option, but I think the consultant was unsure if it was possible to remove the scarring, or if it would change my fertility. So he’s going to give me an interesting cocktail of drugs to try to thicken my endometrium and if that helps, then it’s ahead to IVF/FET. If not – surgery and repeat as appropriate. Not that I’ve had the drugs yet – I’m having to continually chase people to try and get them. Bloody useless NHS.

Of course IVF is another matter, which scares me stiff. He seems to think pregnancy and carrying a baby is possible (I asked him outright) but the risks are, well, increased greatly, to the baby and to me. Which brings me onto the question – is it completely selfish of us to try this? What if the baby dies? What if the baby has serious and life-limiting sequelae of very early pre-term birth throughout their life because of what we’ve done to have a baby of our own? Would I then spend my entire life blaming myself? I know there are risks of this anyway, but going into it knowing the risks are so much more… seems different somehow.

And then there’s the other elephant in the room – adoption. We’re not ready. I know we’re not ready. We have to finish (and start, let’s be honest!) our treatment first. And then grieve our biological children that we didn’t have. But I have good feelings towards it.

It’s Christmas in a few days, and I feel decidedly un-Christmassy. The husband is on call on Christmas Day, so the family are coming down. I don’t know if I can survive 3 days with my parents and remain unscathed. And I spent far too much money at the supermarket yesterday. So, Merry Christmas, Season’s Greetings and all that. Here’s hoping that 2012 will be a better year for all of us. The last 3 years have been shocking, surely it’s time for a good news year??

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3 responses to “Merry Christmas

  1. I felt exactly the same before my first IVF. But once you get into it you forget about the what might go wrong thing and start dreaming about what might go right.

    Happy Christmas, hope your husband isn’t called.

  2. Hello again sweetheart!

    Well. So that all was painful, stressful, and scary. I’m sorry. All the doubt and worry and effort and self-questioning. It’s not fair. If only the Universe WERE fair. I’m not feeling particularly bally Christmassy either. HUMBUG! HUMBUGS EVERYWHERE!

    I am crossing my fingers that you a) track these drugs down stat and b) they plump you up nicely. As it were.

    And that you have some time with peaceful cheer in it, despite parents in da house and husband on call. Wishing you so many good things for 2012.

  3. Ah, lovey. firstly: bugger Santa AND the sleigh he rode in on. This year, no-one seems to want to play Festivities. I hope your Christmas break WAS a break for Mr W, and family Behaved.

    I understand well the position: a step in every direction is a step towards uncertainty and anxiety. Sometimes outright fear. The spectre of micro-prematurity brings me awake at night, sweating, to be sure. Serious sequelae as you describe are rare, I repeat to myself. Yet it’s an undeniable fact that those of us who require IVF are often more at risk of… other crap. (Medical term, that.) But it’s not a given. The game, I think, is worth the candle; but variation in personal mileage is ubiquitous, of course.

    Surrogacy’s a different experience for men & women I suppose, now I think about it, in that men don’t actually lose out on any element of parenthood, but women have to forgo the experience of birth. A good friend of mine had her daughter through surrogacy, but her sister carried for her, which made the experience a less traumatic one for her.

    I heave a mournful sigh for the bits of endometrium that aren’t playing the game, and harbour hopeful, plumping, fattening, juicy, thickening thoughts (I will be calling down p*rn on your blog at this rate) for the endometrium (triple-stripe! fancy-pants!) that IS there. What does your cocktail contain, out of interest? Obtaining drugs is often such a hassle that I often think that a shotgun and a balaclava might be easier in the long run. I’ve got the number for Getaway Cars if you decide a smash & grab is the only way to liberate the required pharmacological items!

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