I feel like blowing raspberries at the universe.

All around me, there seems to be bad news. I don’t know what’s happening to the world, but I’m sure it never used to be this way. I remember seemingly endless summers of sunshine and ice cream and barbecues. I don’t remember watching so many natural disasters. I don’t remember so many innocent people losing their lives.

I thought that pregnancy was easy. This was obviously before I knew how hard it could be. But there are so many people, who would be amazing parents, who go through IVF failures, recurrent miscarriages, and just plain old infertility. I don’t get it. It’s horrible.

I thought, that after the mess that was 2010, 2011 would be better. It doesn’t seem to be so far. We are selling our house. It all seemed to be going well, until we found the house we wanted, have been given a strict 28-day exchange of contracts deadline, and then our buyers went awol. This house, that we want, is probably our only chance to get a house of that size in that location. We jumped at it, and now it looks like we might lose it, because of our buyers and the fact that they have wasted our time. It is starting to feel like everything we try to do goes wrong. That there is a God who sits and watches us try to expand our family, try to get a bigger house, try to move our lives forward, laughs at us and our attempts, and then casually causes it all to crumble with a flick of his hand.

I don’t expect everything to go right, but surely some things must?

My dad is out of hospital. He was discharged yesterday, and has daily visits from the crisis team to keep an eye on him. He’s not himself, and he’s not well yet, but he has at least stopped hurting himself, and stopped phoning me in a state of utter distress. He is heavily medicated, which seems to be helping his agitation, but his memory is pretty much non-existant. I went to visit him last week, which he doesn’t remember, but was pleased to see occasional flashes of my dad underneath the depression. It reminded me of how long he must have been unwell for, as it is a really long time since I have seen the him that was revealed in those flashes.

And so life goes on. We’ve been trying this month, and I suppose it’s early, but I don’t think we’ve been successful. I had random cramps at 2dpo, but nothing since, and I feel resolutely normal. My gut says no. Not that I was expecting it, but I was hoping…

In an effort to stop feeling so sorry for myself, I made chocolate and raspberry muffins, and I’m going to make a mushroom risotto for dinner tonight. And then I’m going to eat another muffin. There are loads, if anybody wants one.

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2 responses to “I feel like blowing raspberries at the universe.

  1. I’m sorry you’ve been landed with so much shit already in 2011.

    Hopefully the person selling your dream house will realise it’ll be harder to find another buyer than give you a bit of leeway.

    I hope your Dad’s flashes of being ‘dad’ will get longer.

    (And I made cup cakes last night as well).

    • Thanks. I hope your cupcakes helped and that you’re feeling OK.
      Unfortunately we’re buying our house from a developer, and the development is so popular (and in such a nice village) that there’s a queue of at least 5 couples waiting should it fall through. Sigh.

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