Hold my hand?

This week has been horrible. And really quite scary.

My dad is depressed. I went up to visit my parents on Monday, and was shocked by what I found. He has lost massive amounts of weight, and his clothes are hanging off him. He has a black eye. How he got that I have no idea, and he certainly isn’t telling. He cries, all the time. He is agitated, and has the same circle of self-punishing thoughts and worries going round in his head, all the time. He told me what they were, and isn’t able to hear/listen to any of us refuting those thoughts, which are ridiculous. I heard the same thing at least ten times in the first hour I was there. It was exhausting, and frustrating for me. I can’t imagine what it was like for him.

He cries out in anguish, and he hits himself. He shuffles around like an old man. He’s not entirely lucid all the time. He scares me. He doesn’t sleep after 3am, and spends the early hours pacing, and worrying. He and my mum are sleeping in separate rooms.

On tuesday, I took him to the GP. He asked me to tell her what was going on, so I did. I felt disloyal to him, telling her just how bad he is. She asked him if he had had thoughts of harming himself. I have not experienced anything quite so scary as hearing my dad describe the suicidal thoughts he has had. He is now on antidepressants, and having counselling. The drugs haven’t kicked in yet. I hope they do soon. Until then, my mum is doling out the medication and hiding the knives.

I couldn’t be there for long, I found it so scary, and emotionally draining. The atmosphere was awful. I feel guilty for that, I feel guilty that I couldn’t stay for longer. I feel guilty that I couldn’t do more. My mum and my dad cried when I left. My mum isn’t coping either, unsurprisingly. She finds it tough being on her own with him. She has had enough of his irrational thoughts, having heard them millions of times, with no respite caused from the acceptance of her counter-arguments. She misses her husband, and has to bear the brunt of his anger and frustration. Every morning, she is frightened of what she might find.

So we are phoning them on a daily basis, and my sister is going to see them at the weekend. It feels inadequate.

On top of this, my period has started, and it’s the same, and I can’t see how I can get pregnant with an endometrium this thin. I know the gynaecologist isn’t too concerned about this, or tells me not to be too concerned, but I can’t help it. I know very well that it’s far from ideal in there. I know I feel the same way, every month when I see how light my period is, and that it’ll pass, and the old Positive Thinking Fairy will take over again once it’s over, but for now, I am worried.

And I feel awful for worrying about my reproductive system when my father is so unwell. It feels so selfish, and so insignificant.

Hold my hand?



5 responses to “Hold my hand?

  1. Here’s my hand. I’ll hold yours.

    You did the right, best thing for your Dad. He’s got medication, he’s getting help, you’re checking in on your parents every day. I know it feels awful not to be able to make everything OK, but you HAVE done all you can. If you get sucked in to the abyss of your Dad’s despair (I cried when I read how awful he was feeling. Oh, the poor, poor man. Your poor, poor mother. Poor poor you and your sister), you won’t be as able to keep an eye on doctor’s visits and counsellor visits and medication. Sometimes, the best thing IS to stand just outside the situation and nurse your own strength. Even if it feels counterintuitive.

    And you do have your own Bad Sad situation to deal with too. And it’s a valid one, and your parents’ awful situation doesn’t TRUMP your reproductive woes. Theirs doesn’t and couldn’t and shouldn’t cancel yours out. Alas, it DOES mean *squeeze of hand* that you have a double-load of worries and sadness to deal with. Which sucks. Horribly.

    I’m sort-of relieved the gynaecologist isn’t worried about your lining, but I am also very aware that it IS a worry, and a nasty one. How can you NOT be worried, especially as it used to be so different before. If your periods had always been light it’d be less… disconcerting. Is disconcerting the right word? Probably not. Less of a mind-f*ck?

  2. I am squeezing your hand very, very tightly indeed.
    I am endangering the bloodflow to your fingers in fact.

  3. *hug*

    Oh you poor thing.. you’re doing a really good job, and you have to keep a distance. Maybe the reason you’re coping better than your mum is that you’re actually a distance away.

  4. Oh man, that is so tough. Other than holding your hand and telling you that you absolutely did the right thing I don’t know what to say.

    Take care.

  5. I’m so sorry that your family is going through this. Depression is such a horrible thing. No-one wants to see a loved one suffering.

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