Apparently, I’ve got it all wrong.

It’s true, I’ve been doing it all wrong. More to the point, so have the rest of you. Silly me, I thought that all you had to do in order to get pregnant was to have sex, preferably with your husband, at approximately the right time, and if everything was working reasonably well, and the sperm and the egg met each other and didn’t have any objection to each other, then there was a chance you’d conceive. Obviously relaxing is also an important factor. Any infertile knows that if they just relax they’ll suddenly conceive, and start to wonder what all those years of trying and failing and subsequent heartache was really about, after all.

I also thought that there wasn’t really much you could do about miscarriage. If your baby was going to stop developing, or was going to die, there really wasn’t much you could do about it.

Silly me, how stupid was I? Because I discovered this morning that both of those theories are wrong.

Apparently there’s a very simple way to ensure you conceive. It doesn’t even have anything to do with sex. All you have to do is hang a crystal from your belt, so it dangles between your ovaries. You have to imagine yourself holding your future baby in your arms and say to yourself: “My heart is open to you. My mind is open to you. My body is open to you.” That’s it! As if by magic, you’ll get pregnant! If you haven’t been performing this ritual, and haven’t got pregnant yet, you can now rest assured that there’s nothing wrong with you, you just weren’t open to your future baby.

Of course, this was corroborated by one of the hosts of said morning television program, who is “blooming” in her second trimester, who could reliably inform us that she had tried for months. Months! Can you believe it? Then, when she finally tried this, she conceived. Just like that! It must be reliable! I don’t know about you, but that’s all the evidence I need.

Now, if you’re one of those women who has had a miscarriage, or more than one, they also told of a very simple way to prevent it. It’s easy. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. All you have to do is to cut an apple in half, and put it into a jar. You keep said apple in the jar, despite the legions of bacteria and mould that grow on it, and keep the jar for the duration of your pregnancy. Then, you won’t have a miscarriage, and your baby will be happy and healthy. Simple!

So now you know. Go forth, dangle your crystals and stock your cupboards with jars of mouldy apples, and all will be well with your reproductive system…

If only they’d told us this before…


4 responses to “Apparently, I’ve got it all wrong.

  1. Are you sure about this? Because I was told last week all you need is chicken soup. And a while ago I read the it was all about the colour orange:

    Who knows what the answer is, but I do know somebody somewhere is hiding it from me.

    • *obediently trots off to see if she can find a dangly, orange crystal*
      *stands confused in the supermarket, looking at the range of apples and wonders which one she needs. Fuji? Pink Lady? Braeburn?*
      *fills cupboards with chicken soup*

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