Rant Alert…

I am OFFICIALLY pissed off.

My period started today, two days late. This in itself isn’t a problem. I can handle two days late, that’s fine. What I’m really pissed off about is the fact that it’s still pathetic. This is not normal. Every bloody month since we lost our baby, I’ve been going through the same cycle. In the days leading up to my period, I hope and hope that it’s going to be better, that this is the month that it will finally be heavy and like it used to be. The irony of wishing for heavy periods when I spent my first 13 years of menstruating cursing my heavy periods is not lost on me, by the way. I become quite positive, and then when it starts, I come crashing back down. Because it’s always pathetic, and weird, and light, and always the bloody same. Apart from immediately after my surgery, when there was an improvement, there has been no discernable improvement at all.

I try and try to convince myself that it’s better, but it never is. And so I end up terminally depressed, with my chances of being able to get pregnant drifting slowly further and further away. And there’s no way I can not think about it, or avoid it, because I’m faced with it every month. I just think of how much we lost, and how unlikely it feels that I’ll ever be in a position to be able to try for a baby, without the certain knowledge that the poor thing would be unable to implant and just… go. I can’t knowingly do that to my offspring. It breaks my heart.

And then it stops, and I convince myself that next month, next month is the month I’ll finally notice an improvement. It’s just so emotionally exhausting, and I’m so fucking fed up of it.

And it’s all so fucking unfair. We managed to get pregnant (twice!), we managed that bit, but the baby died, and I’m left with this, thanks to the bloody surgeons who gave me it. And so I can’t move on, because we’re still dealing with the aftermath, and trying to clear up their mess.

To top it all off, it’s our baby’s due date on 9th September. Is anyone going to remember? Except for me? And possibly my lovely friend who makes magic brownies? Is anyone going to care apart from us? I am surrounded by women who are about to give birth, just like I would have been. Women who are complaining that their babies are taking too long to arrive, women who are excitedly talking about their baby’s nursery, etc, etc. I wish they’d all just go away somewhere and stop rubbing my face in it. I know they don’t mean to, but it does feel like a bit of a conspiracy sometimes.

Oh I know I’m lucky in many ways, I have an amazingly lovely husband, and some really, really good friends. I’m not dying or anything, and I know that I should be grateful for what I do have. But I want this too. Does that really make me an awful person?


6 responses to “Rant Alert…

  1. I found your blog via lfca and saw you were diagnosed with asherman’s syndrome. I too was diagnosed with the same thing. When we first found it, my uterus was sealed shut about 70%. I went through four uterine surgeries but finally got it all cleaned up. What worked for us was a balloon placed in my uterus while it healed, so the walls wouldn’t re-adhere. My lining was still horrible as I continued to have light periods. I went through ivf but my transfer was cancelled due to poor lining response. For our fet, we used femera (not for follie growth, but to starve my uterus of estrogen so when we introduced estrogen, my lining was hungry for it), estrogen suppositories, injectable estrogen and finally Viagra suppositories. The Viagra caused extreme blood flow to my uterus. And finally accupuncture, which was another way to promote uterine blood flow. My lining only got to a 7mm, but we went ahead with transfer. My doc said we were wasting a cycle but in my heart I knew my lining was never going to respond anymore than that. Hell, we threw everything at my lining already so why did they think they’d get another cycle to do any better? Well, that cycle worked even though I had implantation trouble. At 11dp3dt (14dpo), my beta was only 15. But it continued to double and that little embryo found a place in my pathetic lining to implant. I have a healthy 19 month old son now.

    I just wanted to comment to you to let you know there was successes out there with the same thing you are dealing with.

    I’m also very sorry for your loss. ~hugs~.

    • Hi, welcome and thank you for commenting.
      How thick was your lining to start with? I do have a coil in, having had my surgery done in the UK, but I am concerned that it has stuck together despite this.
      Congratulations on your son, what a little fighter! It must be such a relief and a blessing to have him after all that. It does help, hearing peoples’ positive stories, so thank you

  2. My lining just never got over a 7mm. I think during my ivf, when the cycle was cancelled, was between a 5 and 6mm. That’s with no intervention except estrogen supps. I’ve always had light periods and only looking using hindsight, that was most likely my if battle. All other testing came back normal. So maybe your next cycle you can talk about these other options to get your lining pumped up. A word of warning – due to my shitty lining, chlomid wrecked havoc on my lining making it even thinner. I would def look into accupuncture and estrogen injects to help yours out. I’ve had three viable pregnancies now, each one I had to right my lining to get. So it is possible. I think women like us just need some more lining pumping assistance. I’d ask yor doc about your options like I had before the next try.

    • Thanks for replying again.
      My lining was 4mm before the surgery to clear adhesions, don’t know what it is now, am almost scared to find out, but am sure it’s not back to normal. I am having acupuncture, though will definitely be asking about estrogen etc when I get back to the UK and see my gynae (Am in Australia for the next month or so).
      It’s good to know that it’s possible even with a thin lining!

  3. Ditto to your rant. I feel like I need to punch something for you.

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