15? Are you kidding?!

Yesterday, I went to see Needle-Woman for the third time. When I went to see her the second time, she was relatively pleased with me, as I definitely had a bit more energy. However, in her talking-to-me session she seems to do before she stabs me, she asked me in detail about my diet. Oops. You see I do have good intentions regarding my diet, breakfasts are usually pretty healthy, either toast or porridge with soy milk (no idea why I started drinking it instead of normal milk, but I do quite like it actually). Lunches are sometimes non-existent and sometimes just toast, as actually preparing a healthy lunch seems to be beyond me. Dinner is often where it all deteriorates. The problem is that I do have a bit of a cake fetish at the moment. Admittedly not too helpful for the ovaries, but I can’t help it… they taste so good!

So, in said cake fetish, I do like to have a cake in, that I’ve made myself, that we can have for dessert. If I don’t, then I do feel quite bereft. The cake that’s currently sitting in our fridge is a sponge cake, filled with fresh cream, and strawberries marinated with mint and sugar. It is quite yummy, even if I do say so myself. And I whipped the cream myself! Took bloody ages, as I had to do it with a hand whisk, but that’ll be my exercise for now. And as it’s got fresh cream in, we have to eat it quickly. That’s my excuse, anyway.

So needle-woman was asking me about my diet, and whether I ate more than other ladies (um… not more than my in-laws, as I’m not sure they’re human, considering the amount they put away and how ridiculously skinny they are. I always feel like an elephant when I visit them) and whether I fried, roasted or steamed my food. My excuse is that we don’t have a steamer here… She gave me a list of foods I should eat to “nourish my Yin” which includes such yummy things as: millet (I distinctly remember my budgie eating that), wheat germ (what?), beets (eurgh!), persimmon (not sure what that is…), string beans (are they the same as French beans?) and mulberry (I thought that was one of the poisonous berries that grew on bushes?). There are some things I like on there though, so I think I should be spending my time at the local sushi restaurant.

This time, however, she was not so pleased with me. My energy levels had dropped, and I was feeling increasingly like I was coming down with a lurgy of some kind. She was very interested in the state of my tongue. I was tempted to say that if it looked weird it was probably because I’d just eaten a fried egg sandwich for lunch, but realised she probably wouldn’t approve, so said nothing. I hope she didn’t notice the dried egg I found on my jeans at that exact moment, and attempted to cover up by surreptitiously crossing my legs…

She did her usual needling (none in the perineum yet, phew!), which was actually very relaxing. I literally couldn’t get up from the couch afterwards, I felt so heavy I had to lie there taking up space for an extra ten minutes before I heaved myself up. As punishment for not having energy, she has doubled my Chinese medicine, by giving me tablets to take with my herbs. Oh, OK, I said, that’s fine. Until she told me that she wanted me to take 15 (yes, 15!) of the buggers, twice a day. She told me to just stick them in my mouth all at once and swallow them in one go with the herbs. Hmmm… Not really working. They look like small brown turds, and if I stick them all in my mouth at once, my mouth is crammed so full I can’t swallow. Maybe if I go back bouncing around her clinic she’ll take them away from me? There’s a thought…

My period was due yesterday. Yes, was due, as in, is late. This petrifies me for 2 reasons: 1) have the adhesions stuck together again, and 2) am I pregnant? Now I know that I’m not pregnant, I have a coil in at the moment, and so it’s relatively impossible, but why oh why does my mind start chuntering away about feeling slightly sick (lets face it, probably just the herbs, or thought of…) and a bit sore in the chest area (PMS) and coming up with the least likely explanation?

The thought that the adhesions have stuck together again though is unfortunately a valid one. Not impressed – means yet more surgery, more waiting. Oh please, please, please no…

There isn’t much communication from the Uterus of Doom. I think sometimes that she might be coming out to be sociable when I hear her bedroom door slamming, but she doesn’t appear, and so it turns out that she was only popping to the toilet, and being very noisy about it. Perhaps she’s so surprised by all the herbs and needling she just doesn’t know what to do with herself? And that muffled screaming I can hear is simply her yelling “What! I just don’t know what you want from me! Leave me alone!” Perhaps she’s put a sign on her door saying “I will come out only when I want to. You are not welcome in here. This is MY space!” I can only hope that the herbs and needling will somehow transform her into a sociable, friendly, non-Goth, attractive young woman…


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